I am Lonely

Just last Friday, my collegues and students gave 2 of my other collegues and me a surprise party for my birthday. They bought a nice chocolate cake for the three of us. And so, I am 26 years old. Somehow, despite all the celebration, there was this emptiness in me. I am lonely. I wanted somebody to relate to. Someone to commune with. Someone to fellowship with. And this has been bothering me for quite a while.

I would just sit in front of the computer, surfing the net, looking for something that would interest me but after many hours, I am weary and not satisfied. Maybe it's because my friends have been busy recently. We didn't meet up for dinner for quite some time. Maybe that is why I'm feeling lonely.

My students did asked me tojoin their activity but I rejected it with much thinking. I could have gone and feloowship with them. What is wrong with that? I have cellgroup, but I can go after that. I used to do that. I would leave my friends for a while to attend cellgroup and join them again after that. My friends were understanding.

Maybe it's those time again. Those time when I feel lonely and emotional, and possibly staying away from people because of that. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be around people. As the result, I felt worse. I could have gone home and spend time with family. What am I doing here alone in this house? I didn't have answer for that. Maybe I wanted privacy.

At this time, I am skipping lunch. So that I can use the time to mark tests. So that after school I can grade the online lessons. So that I can get everything done at the end of the day. This is a huge price to pay. Work in exchange for fellowship and bonding with students. And this made me felt as if there is a wall between the students and I. Somehow, I just couldn't click with them. I kept wondering what they would think about me. Whether I am a good teacher. Or a workaholic. Or nerd etc. I have not been getting interested in my students lately. I just pushed them to do more work. The rest I did not care much. Some of them are graduating already. That would make things worse. That means there would be more new faces and less familar faces.

I cannot go on like this. I need to go out a bit. Perhaps go for a walk somewhere. Get my mind off things and refocus on my piorities and commitment. Not that it would be easy, but at least I could try. Hopefully, things will get better. There is always something to hope for. Because Jesus is alive.

Skytrek

I went to Taman Pertanian Malaysia with some friends from cellgroup today. We went to this Skytrek Adventure site where we went through a series of courses from tree to tree. It was really fun and thrilling. Thank God for everythng. The safe journey to and back from the place, the fun, the outing, the fellowship and God's grace and mercy in my life.