I am Lonely

Just last Friday, my collegues and students gave 2 of my other collegues and me a surprise party for my birthday. They bought a nice chocolate cake for the three of us. And so, I am 26 years old. Somehow, despite all the celebration, there was this emptiness in me. I am lonely. I wanted somebody to relate to. Someone to commune with. Someone to fellowship with. And this has been bothering me for quite a while.

I would just sit in front of the computer, surfing the net, looking for something that would interest me but after many hours, I am weary and not satisfied. Maybe it's because my friends have been busy recently. We didn't meet up for dinner for quite some time. Maybe that is why I'm feeling lonely.

My students did asked me tojoin their activity but I rejected it with much thinking. I could have gone and feloowship with them. What is wrong with that? I have cellgroup, but I can go after that. I used to do that. I would leave my friends for a while to attend cellgroup and join them again after that. My friends were understanding.

Maybe it's those time again. Those time when I feel lonely and emotional, and possibly staying away from people because of that. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be around people. As the result, I felt worse. I could have gone home and spend time with family. What am I doing here alone in this house? I didn't have answer for that. Maybe I wanted privacy.

At this time, I am skipping lunch. So that I can use the time to mark tests. So that after school I can grade the online lessons. So that I can get everything done at the end of the day. This is a huge price to pay. Work in exchange for fellowship and bonding with students. And this made me felt as if there is a wall between the students and I. Somehow, I just couldn't click with them. I kept wondering what they would think about me. Whether I am a good teacher. Or a workaholic. Or nerd etc. I have not been getting interested in my students lately. I just pushed them to do more work. The rest I did not care much. Some of them are graduating already. That would make things worse. That means there would be more new faces and less familar faces.

I cannot go on like this. I need to go out a bit. Perhaps go for a walk somewhere. Get my mind off things and refocus on my piorities and commitment. Not that it would be easy, but at least I could try. Hopefully, things will get better. There is always something to hope for. Because Jesus is alive.

Skytrek

I went to Taman Pertanian Malaysia with some friends from cellgroup today. We went to this Skytrek Adventure site where we went through a series of courses from tree to tree. It was really fun and thrilling. Thank God for everythng. The safe journey to and back from the place, the fun, the outing, the fellowship and God's grace and mercy in my life.

Drop the Waterpot

I finally did it. When I reached home, I setup my laptop, turned it on and took out my compilation disc of all the games I have. I took a pair of scissors and pulled across the surface with the sharp edge. Gone. All gone. I finally decided to remove these burdens from my life. With that done, I now have the pieces of game files here and there. I will hunt them down and remove them from my life also. I don't want to spend time playing games anymore. It kept me in bondage for too long. I don't want to feed my mind with ungodly stuffs anymore. I want to throw away the waterpot. I don't want to water such ungodly behaviour. I want it gone from my life. I can't do it myself. I draw strength from God the Almighty One, Creator of heaven and earth. Through Him I can do all things.

Dear heavenly Father, hear my cry, this day, for holiness. Because You are holy, therefore I also shall be holy before You. Keep me checked all the days of my life. Keep me from temptations. Draw me close to You, into Your presence. Do not let Your presence depart from me. Let me be a vessel of honour unto You. That everything that I do, every single thing, You gave me strength to do. It is You, Lord, who are able. It is You, Lord, who can. Lead me and guide me this day, to walk in Your ways. Thank you for all Your blessings in my life. I commit and dedicate my life into Your hands. I trust in You to mould me and refine me into what You want me to be. In You I trust. I ask all these in the name of my Lord Jesus. Amen.

Forgiveness Matters

Friday was just another day, to me... But in fact, it wasn't. It was a day of great significant to many of the students. My mind was caught up with all the paper work and I missed the entire thing. As soon as it's lunch time, I went in to mark tests and had my lunch at the same time. At the time, the students were actually having a session to address the strive that was happening among them, which I knew nothing about. I came out to the class after realising that the senior students were mostly missing during lunch. That was when I realised I missed something. I came out when the last student share her piece of mind and apologised to her fellow students.

I can't believe I knew nothing about all that was happening among my students. All I ever thought about was getting all the paper work done. I didn't care enough any more than that. I really need to be more sensitive. Obvious;y I failed to understand the role as a teacher in Christian education. Now that I knew this, I will have to work even harder. Not by my strength, but by the grace and mercy of God. I need to continue to grow.

Playing Games

I am going to stop playing games. I had enough of games. Not that I can abstain from games but at least I won't have games in my computer.

The reasons are:
1 Games doesn't tell me anything about God nor edify me.
2 Games took too much of my time and attention.
3 Games make my life a mess.
4 Games lead me into bondage.

I just had enough. I am going to delete all of them. I played games until I didn't go home as early as I used to. I played games until I didn't go church. I played games until I didn't sleep. That is enough. I am drawing the line.

I am going to start afresh with God as my priority. I don't want my relationship with God to be jeopardied. I want to put my interest in Him. I want to always think about Him. I want to think about what He has done for me. I couldn't bear the thought of Him grieving over my stubborness and ignorance. I want to walk with my Saviour once again. I won't let anything come between us. By His grace and mercy I do this.

Heavenly Father, hear my prayer. Forgive me for turning away from You. Forgive me for not walking close with You. Draw me close to You once again. I ask from You Your grace and mercy to live a life that is pleasing unto You. Lord, I pray that by Your grace, You will lead me and guide me. Help me to live a disciplined life. Help me to sleep early and rise early. Help me to take good care of my body for my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Hear my prayer, Lord, and help me for I am helpless without You. Thank you, Lord for Your grace and mercy. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Walking Close to God

In my walk with God, I many times do wonder into the wilderness without realising it. It could be something that caught my interest so much that I spend a lot of time and attantion in it with much anticipitation and excitement. It makes me think that this is life. It seems very satisfying. So tempting. So addictive.

In the end, there is nothing in it. Without God, life is meaningless. God is the One that gives meaning to my life. I was created by Him. Specially created. Unique in many ways. Created for Him. Created to have fellowship with Him. It was for His purpose that I was born into this world. If not for Him, I'm just miry clay. He made me out of dirt but not precious stones or gold. The reason is that I may know for sure He can make something wonderful out of something worthless. My God is really awesome. How can I ever walk away from Him. I must really pray hard that His grace will see me through times of testing.

For without God, man cannot; without man, God will not.

Amen.

Meet the Parents

I was going to meet a parent today, and I was disturbed. What was I going to tell that parent? Could I answer to that parent? Have I been doing a good job? I just hope that the parent will be gracious with me.

Finally, the time came and the parent was there seated, waiting for me. As far as I was concerned, I have to get used to this, eventually. So, there we went. We started off with the topic we discussed over the phone before the parent decided to see me right after school. Just as we proceeded, the other parent came and joined us. So, I was seeing both the student's parents at the same time. It wasn't really that bad actually. Maybe it was because I was seeing the parents alone. It was good experience. I got to know the parents and the student better and know how and where to improve.

I just hope that I am doing my job properly, so that God will be pleased with me that I am using His gitfs to me to serve. Even though collegues and parents praised me, I believe all glory belongs to God alone. It was, is and will be God who gives me strength to do anything. He has always been there for me. Today's experience is yet another testimony of His faithfulness to me. One that will remind me that He is in control. I am so glad He came for me. And I will follow Him all the days of my life. Because He is good.

The Role as a Teacher

As a teacher, I sometimes really dislike spoiling my students' fun time. However, I still have to do it. They are not abiding by he school rules and I have to correct them. Somehow, I just have to get used to the response from them when I told them to not do something.

Since a long time ago, I have been very nice and patient with them. I never really scolded them even after repeated reminder to not do something. As a result, discipline has been really bad and getting worse. Not only that, the general performance of the students have dropped. At this rate, many of them will graduate late.

Making plans for them to follow is easy but making them follow the plans is another thing altogether. Well, I guess that's why I'm there. I will have to keep on pushing and encouraging them to study. With so many distractions in life, concentrating in study may be difficult. Therefore, discipline is very important. Having self control is very important, now and later. Obviously, discipline doesn't drop from the sky but comes from training them to exercise it. Or else, they might just be wasting their time or even their life on things that are not important. I just hope that they can see this. When they experience themselves, then they know.

So, my role as their teacher is quite important. Without God's help, I just can't do it. Jesus Himself was a Teacher. In fact, He was the greatest Teacher of all times. A as Teacher, He was a Friend to his disciples as well. I really have a lot to learn from Him. Jesus is the best role model. Every act of discipline was done out of love, not pride, not selfishness, not hatred. That's the mark of a good teacher.

Playing Music with the Students

Today I'll be playing drums during chapel. The practice yesterday was cool but too short. I had parents to meet before I can go for practice. I was half an hour late. They have already practised half of the songs. It's just so awesome playing music with these kids. So cool. Perhaps we can have jamming sessions sometime. That would be just so interesting.

I am really liking my role as a teacher to the students. I learned a lot from Jesus, the greatest teacher of all times. I eat with them, play with them, chit chat with them, play music with them, scold them and many more. I just want to be the best teacher that I can be.

Tuning Drums

My first time tuning drums. Actually also cleaning the drums. they are kind of rusty. And so, cleaning and tuning the tom toms one by one, a few hours just passed like that. When it's time to try them, they sounded weird, except for the floor tom. The tom tom were too tight, maybe, I didn't know. I just didn't like the sound. Taking out the heads and tune again, still can't get the sound I wanted and I am getting irritated. I have other things to do. I didn't have time for this. And I needed time to cool off a bit.

After dinner, I tried tuning again. This time, I tune the tom toms together to make sure they sounded correct. When mounted, they still sounded weird. Oh well, I'll just read up more on tuning before I lay my hands on them again. Maybe it's not the tuning. Maybe I need to add something to absorb the impact or so.

In the end I'm just glad the drums set looked cleaner, though they sounded weird. Thank God.

Being a Teacher

Now that I think of it, I have been a teacher for quite a while, though not really that long. One year in Perling, Johor and seven months in PJ, KL. I certainly have come quite a way. And I'm glad I did. I didn't do this alone. In fact, I would never make it alone. It was God. It was God who led me, guided me, strengthened me, comforted me and did so many wonderful things for me. God deserves all the glory and honour.

Being a teacher can be challenging, but it was fun and exciting. There is much fulfillment in teaching the younger generation. I'm really glad to be able to use my gifts to serve God. I may be working in a learning centre, but ultimately I working for God, the everlasting Creator of the universe, the Almighty God. He is my Source.