Gone with the Wind

After they left, usually they won't come back. Who knows maybe they will. Or maybe they will not. Speaking of visitting teachers, I myself never do it. So, I shouldn't complain.

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Growing Up Means Losing Them

In the beginning of this year, many of the kids have left. Too many changes have happened. Whatever reason it is, I do miss them. I miss sitting together with them while they played games on their handphones. Then we have a new staff who came and several from the few that I have left were given to her.

My focus was on seeing them finish their studies as soon as they can. So, I helped them as much as I can. I wished I had done more. It's ironic. The faster they progress, the faster they leave. I kept thinking to myself, after these kids have left, what do I have? Credits? Cards? Gifts? Gratitudes? I appreciate all these but these will not keep me company, talk about random stuffs with me etc.

I have come to conclusion long before and now I am reminding myself. My job as a teacher is to teach, instruct, coach and so on. After that, they are to leave and see the world for themselves. Hopefully, they have learnt something useful from me. I do hope that someday when I meet them, they'll be successful people. That would be fulfilling.

The Reason I'm Here

My kids asked me if I would leave if I'm offered a better opportunity. I didn't amswer the way I wanted to. My answer was, "Where can I go?"
The reason I'm there is because of them. Many things that I do is for their sake, especially the dissection. I can't imagine life without them. I have grown so attached to them that I have no life apart from them. Holidays are a dread to me because I won't be seeing them for quite a while.
Of course, being their supervisor is never easy. Being a friend and a teacher at the same time is difficult. However, I enjoy it. There is so much I want to teach them and show them. Awesomeness of God's creation is so awe-strucking.
As they grow up, one thing that comes to mind is that they will leave one day. They will have their lives somewhere else. Not that they are ungrateful or unappreciative but I would want to see them go and see the world and be the somebody that God has created them to be. However, I do hope to have the opportunities to sit down with them some time and fellowship and talk about things. That would be nice.
So far, many has left my life. It's a wonder if I will ever see them again. One thing I know I know is that I have left a mark in their lives. Not to show that I am a great person but to live with purpose, to leave a legacy for them to carry with them. I am not just a teacher. I am the teacher. I am Mr Nicholas. That is who God has created me to be.

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Reaching Destination by Making Successful Small Steps

I feel so accomplished today. I have checklists of things I need to do to achieve my ultimate goals. My small goals can be very simple things but achieving every one of it is essential to achieving the bigger goals. In order to make things happen, I have to start somewhere. When I start, I start small. Small is good. Small is easily achievable. Small is less intimidating. Small is less embarassing if failed. Small steps lead to reaching my ultimate goals. Never despise small things. When accumulated, they amount to something really huge.
And I thank God for helping me to meet all the small goals I have. I couldn't have done it myself.

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It's that time of the year again

I actually didn't blog for a year. That's quite long. How time has passed. A lot of things has happened. And I can't remember most of it.

#1 Enter the new year with new students in the new place.

#2 We went for field trip to the Natinal Museum and HELP University College.

#3 We went for school camp at Broga when I was still sick.

#4 I now belong to Mustard Seed Company.

#5 I asked a fellow lost believer out to encourage and was impressed with what God can do through me.

In the morning the day after my birthday, my collegue told me that my student was not happy. I didn't find anything amiss. However, my collegue was able to convince me that she was hiding her sadness. Come lunch time and I was eating the food that a parent bought for me when my collegue came and told me that that student was crying. I took one last bite and went to check her out. Approaching her, I saw that she was definitely fine. That was when people start to gather to sing me birthday song and brought a chocolate cake to me. It was a planned surprise for me. One of the student stayed up until 5am to bake that cake. For that particular moment, I felt so blessed and could only thank God for that. Things may not seem to be going the way I wanted it to go but there's another side to that.

On the day of my birthday, most of my close friends were not available. I did ask someone to go out with. It was kind of disappointing. However, my cell leader took me out for lunch with his family and gave me a treat. I'm thankful for that. At least someone celebrated for me, on the exact day. It may not be like what I wanted but I'm thankful for my cell leader. Moreover, I unintentially dumped people who were going to eat lunch with me to go out with my cell leader, my bad.

And yeah, I bought myself a new phone. Sony Ericson Xperia Mini Pro. The first phone I bought myself. Thank God for the provision. I just have to learn to be thankful for the blessings in my life and not be coveteous or else it will eat me up.

Another year has passed since I posted something. I have learned a lot. Sometimes I have to be proactive. Instead of waiting for something to happen-which I always do-I should make something happen. Instead of waiting for somebody to do something for me, I should take initiative to do something for people.

I have an impression that this blog is kind of depressing but that is going to change. I believe in a God who so awesome in might and power and yet so loving and kind. Things will work out for the good of me. Thank you, God.

I am Lonely

Just last Friday, my collegues and students gave 2 of my other collegues and me a surprise party for my birthday. They bought a nice chocolate cake for the three of us. And so, I am 26 years old. Somehow, despite all the celebration, there was this emptiness in me. I am lonely. I wanted somebody to relate to. Someone to commune with. Someone to fellowship with. And this has been bothering me for quite a while.

I would just sit in front of the computer, surfing the net, looking for something that would interest me but after many hours, I am weary and not satisfied. Maybe it's because my friends have been busy recently. We didn't meet up for dinner for quite some time. Maybe that is why I'm feeling lonely.

My students did asked me tojoin their activity but I rejected it with much thinking. I could have gone and feloowship with them. What is wrong with that? I have cellgroup, but I can go after that. I used to do that. I would leave my friends for a while to attend cellgroup and join them again after that. My friends were understanding.

Maybe it's those time again. Those time when I feel lonely and emotional, and possibly staying away from people because of that. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be around people. As the result, I felt worse. I could have gone home and spend time with family. What am I doing here alone in this house? I didn't have answer for that. Maybe I wanted privacy.

At this time, I am skipping lunch. So that I can use the time to mark tests. So that after school I can grade the online lessons. So that I can get everything done at the end of the day. This is a huge price to pay. Work in exchange for fellowship and bonding with students. And this made me felt as if there is a wall between the students and I. Somehow, I just couldn't click with them. I kept wondering what they would think about me. Whether I am a good teacher. Or a workaholic. Or nerd etc. I have not been getting interested in my students lately. I just pushed them to do more work. The rest I did not care much. Some of them are graduating already. That would make things worse. That means there would be more new faces and less familar faces.

I cannot go on like this. I need to go out a bit. Perhaps go for a walk somewhere. Get my mind off things and refocus on my piorities and commitment. Not that it would be easy, but at least I could try. Hopefully, things will get better. There is always something to hope for. Because Jesus is alive.

Skytrek

I went to Taman Pertanian Malaysia with some friends from cellgroup today. We went to this Skytrek Adventure site where we went through a series of courses from tree to tree. It was really fun and thrilling. Thank God for everythng. The safe journey to and back from the place, the fun, the outing, the fellowship and God's grace and mercy in my life.